Whup only 2 minutes left OBLIGATORY BIRTHDAY POST huzzahhuzzah

Turned 23, went to work, pretty normal day. Got this from my parents, who know me well:



Woo! Even though all of us forgot my birthday was coming up, this slipped through the cracks since dad got it a few months back. Love my parents. :)
-C

I hate asking for help.

No, really. I despise it.

It's a pride issue and I know pride comes before the fall. Problem is, the fall is coming up fast. I'm applying to jobs like my life depends on it and haven't had so much as an interview. I'm slowly running out of money and there isn't enough in savings to, well... save me.

I'm getting close to a breaking point. I move August 8th... I should have enough money to move without a problem, I hope.

Thing is... ugh, I hate this part...

I still need... help.

Yes, that hurt to type and took longer than it should have.

People, both friends and strangers, have been pushing me to do this for a while. Ever since I lost my job and, hell, even before that. I've resisted so far mostly out of pride and some slight fear of being judged for begging.

But I'm at the end of my rope, or just close enough to it to make me nervous. I know times are hard for everyone right now and me posting this isn't me expecting anything. Just.. asking. If you CAN do it, then... please. It doesn't have to be a lot. I just want to pay the bills and eat every couple of days.

So here goes.

It's only supposed to be 84 degrees today, and only 89 tomorrow.

I... I want to cry.

<3

July 4th, 2005

It had been three days since BCT graduation. Three days since everyone graduated and said their goodbyes and shipped to AIT. There were about four of us left behind, either stuck for medical reasons or mental, and only one of whom I really got along with. We were all upset, having just seen our friends off, most of which we'd never see again. Especially those of us who were going to end up discharged. Once you're gone... you're gone.

We were transferred to another company in the same battalion who also had some holdovers (those like us, who had been held back after the rest of the company graduated... all for a variety of reasons). We didn't know anyone, the drill sergeants there didn't want to deal with a bunch of failures like us and made it clear.

That night Random Drill Sergeant grudgingly led us outside to a grassy area across the street from the barracks. We sat and we watched the fireworks, though they were probably about a mile away. The barracks were between us and them though so we really couldn't see much. Some of the bigger ones we could see the top of but otherwise, we just heard the noises and I know we were all thinking the same thing... we had failed. We were a joke in uniform. All we had left was the option to go home... and we wanted to be there already. Home with family or friends, watching fireworks or lighting off our own, eating and drinking and enjoying ourselves. Instead we were stuck with strangers, most of them hating each other, all quiet and trapped in our own heads.

It was the beginning of a downward spiral for me. For the three months following I've never felt more alone and completely miserable. I hated everything about myself and at several points wished to just be dead just to have an escape. Sitting here right now and thinking back to that 4th of July is painful, and unfortunately the strongest Independence Day memory I have... the one that actually sticks out the most.

I'm going to try to change that this year. This year I'm driving over to see friends and genuinely enjoy the day. I'm going to be around people I actually care about, people I know, who want to be there. I'm failing at life a lot right now. I'm broke, unemployed, depressed, in pain, and just generally not doing well. But I have more than I did back then. I have a home I can call my own, I have friends, and I can for the most part call myself happy.

At least today, I can call myself happy.

Sarah McLachlan - "Fear"
Oomph! - Fieber (I thought it was E Nomine when I woke up initially... oops)
Papa Roach - ".... (Okay I'm not TOTALLY sure about this one, but I THINK) I almost told you that I loved you"

I woke up with my head making the oddest mash-up of these three songs.

The weirdest part is that it... sort of works.

On the bright side of everything, dreams last night were finally restful. I don't remember much. They were all over the place but at least I had some peace.

Over at darthdalek1138 and potter2007's place. We are watching Harry Potter all day.

We just started the second one.

It's like 5 minutes in and I already want to smack the hell out of Dobby.

We might skip Goblet of Fire. I'm kind of okay with this. Although it'd be funny to watch Edward Cullen running around getting killed.

Also I am on official IMDB duty during the movies.

I love that site.

When I am anxious, my dreams are anxious.

I dread sleeping these days.

I drank last night and honestly, that was the best dream I've had in days. Still stressful, but... less so. Much less. The temptation to drink every night until I get over this phase is tempting. Just to give me a few hours of peace.

I don't particularly feel like living right now.

Not in the "wah I wanna kill myself, kut kut" way, just... I don't feel like living. I want to lay in bed or go outside on a cool day in the grass and stare at the clouds and forget how cruel and brutal the world is.

Immature? Stupid? Weak? Maybe I am. But for a while I just want to pretend I have no obligations. I want to pretend I am happy and peaceful and my world is small enough to be fixable and perfect.

But that's not an option. The world isn't that simple. Instead it rages on around me. Both with things that directly involve me and things that don't. Tears and chaos and pain... it's hard to find peace. Hard to see beauty or smile with genuine actual happiness when the entire world is telling you we're going to hell... or we're already there.

I'm bitter right now. I see the world as a negative place right now and while I am normally the type who can pick out the beautiful parts of it, smile, and say "look... it can't be that bad. We still have this. We still have each other. We have dreams, and we have people, and we can get through anything"... normally it's easy.

Just not right now.

I hate who I am right now.

I'll get over it. I know I will. But right now I'm stuck as this... pessimistic bitter person. And not even the fun snarky kind who sees an ugly world and can still laugh in its face and mock it. No. I'm the kind who feels beaten down by it all and just wants to give up.

Lovely.

Okay, I haven't the slightest idea whether or not the WPA National Park posters are out of copyright, but it's the principle of the thing that pisses me off so much upon finding these Star Wars posters for sale on their official Zazzle site. Paying an homage to the utterly gorgeous poster styles of the 30's is one thing, but to blatanty repurpose the art and the slap a Tauntaun and a Lucasfilm copyright on it? That's just disgusting.

It's hard enough to find the original artists for these things, and it just feels like adding insult to injury to treat them as if they're clip art. I don't even know if there's a legitimate legal complaint for me to make here, I'm just fuming that they can pull off this sort of crap.

-C

I can see
when you stay low, nothing happens
Does it feel right?

Late at night
things I thought I put behind me
haunt my mind

I just know there's no escape now
once it sets its eyes on you
but I won't run, have to stare it in the eye

Stand my ground, I won't give in
No more denying, I gotta face it
Won't close my eyes and hide the truth inside
If I don't make it, someone else will
Stand My Ground

It's all around
getting stronger, coming closer
into my world

I can feel
that it's time for me to face it
can I take it?

Though this might just be the ending
of the life I held so dear
but I won't run, there's no turning back from here

Stand my ground, I won't give in
No more denying, I gotta face it
Won't close my eyes and hide the truth inside
If I don't make it, someone else will
Stand My Ground

All I know for sure is I'm trying
I will always stand my ground

This is my theme song.

I hate when a beautiful dream just makes you wake up feeling hollow and lonely. I'm trying to cling to the mood the dream gave but reality is harsh and unforgiving.

Bank statement for this month really isn't helping my mood...

I can't even afford the first month of rent at my new place at this rate.

Fucking great.

I'm scared and alone and like always very much wanting to not have to ask for help.

You know the scariest part? If I fail... I don't know what to do. I can't go back to Memphis. I would, but my dad lost his job and their money is almost as tight as mine is. They couldn't afford to support me.

I'll seriously be up shit creek pretty soon here.

Question: How hot does it need to be outside for my rear view mirror to fall off due to the adhesive melting?

Answer: ... However hot it was yesterday! 104, I think?

Fucking rear view mirror.

I will be cleaning today. I'd like to pack too but can't do a whole lot of that due to lack of boxes. But dammit I will have this place clean, if nothing else.

I still need white paint, but just need a little bit to touch up the doors in the apartment. Hrm.

Gah, need a job... putting in an application tomorrow somewhere and have high hopes. I want enough money to be able to go be with my sister when she has her baby, and also have a trip to see my parents planned for next summer. Then saving up for normal things like A-kon. And silly things like, you know, Christmas. Because it's been years since I could fucking afford to buy anyone anything and I hate that.

Okay. Time to put on some clothes and get to cleaning. I feel energetic today so I may as well take advantage of it, right? :)

I haven't seen the Transformers sequel yet.

But I was in the mood to read some spoilers, so thanks to crzydemona I read this

And... and I...

... I...

I STILL CANNOT FUCKING BELIEVE THIS SUMMARY IS ACTUALLY ACCURATE. THERE IS NO WAY A MOVIE CAN BE THIS GODAWFUL. OH MY GOD. REALLY?! I MEAN SERIOUSLY I ACTUALLY CAN'T WRAP MY HEAD AROUND HOW HORRIBLE THIS IS.

This review may be what finally pushes me to go to the theater and watch this movie. I just... I have to see it for myself. I have to know.

I'm going to be an aunt in a few months!!!

I am bored, so ask me a question. I will answer with a complete and total lie.

( Click here to see one of the cutest sleeping positions Diana has EVER been in )

We had three damaged blinds that I bought replacements for a week ago. I figured we could just put them up ourselves but discovered that it's a bitch to do that. So I called the office today and she put in a work order for them to just put them up for me.

I also really really need some white paint soon.

On the bright side, my teeth/jaw is hurting FAR less. The dentist fixed it, it seems. Yay! No more wanting to die when I chew.

... I also need boxes. Thinking I may as well spend July packing whatever I don't need (ie clothes that in any way shape or form resemble "cool weather" clothing) and I'll have less to do in August.

I'm in an oddly confident mood today.

lolwat

oh my god Limbaugh you bloated sack of bullshit

lol

Called the dentist. They said it's likely the filling messing with my bite so they had me come in and they worked on it. Said it would still hurt for a couple of days but if there's still pain in a week to call again.

So yay.

Also, WHAT THE EVER-LOVING HELL IS WRONG WITH AIM?! SIGN ON YOU PIECE OF CRAP

Ugh

Plus I'm extra irritated because I love my mom but if I ever call her it's 5 minutes of me giving her updates and 30-40 minutes of her telling me the most mundane random shit that no one would care about ever. Mostly random articles she feels like reading out loud. Oh and her ranting about Obama and socialism and how he's ruining the country.

And singing Abba at random.

My mother is off her nut.

Seriously, in a discussion about Michael Jackson's heart attack she managed to bitch about Obama's taxing. What?

I want to beat the shit out of something.